The one where I talk about being 40-something November 23, 2024
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So I turned 40 a few years ago.

Ok, more than a few years ago.

For the next bunch of months I’ll still be in “My 40s”. After that… well… I won’t be 40-something at all. I honestly don’t like the idea of it. I hate the reminder that I am not a kid anymore. My self image is still a 20-something my-life-is-all-in-front-of-me person. The whole world is full of possibilities and so many things are far off on the horizon. Right? <sigh>

I have thought a lot over the years about being in my 40’s and how it compares to being in my 30’s, or my 20s for that matter. It’s an exercise I do (you should do it too.. try it sometime). I ask myself: “What were my 20s/30s about? What did I accomplish? What things did I check off the list? How did I evolve over that time? What made that era special?” I make a mental bullet list of these things. It helps me keep perspective of my life so far. It’s kinda like having a character in a video game and checking out your “lifetime” statistics. You realize some interesting things about how you have spent your time.

I have mixed feelings about the life I have lived so far. I have not invented the next best thing or become some notable person who has their own entry in Wikipedia. I don’t’ say this out loud very often (or at all) but I do feel like I have not met the expectations that were set on me when I was a kid. You grow up hearing people yammer on about how smart you are.. or how you are so good at this or that… and then you find yourself middle aged not rich or famous because you did this thing that time that made such a big impact on the world.

Don’t get me wrong.. I AM proud of the the time I have spent on this earth. I have a lot to show for it and am happy with where I sit these days. I have done things. More than most. Less than some. But still, more than most.

That being said.. The problem with doing that little era comparison exercise is it builds expectations for things to come. When I turned 40 I did not have a “midlife crisis”. But I did stop and take a look behind me. I was genuinely worried for a little while that I had no idea what my 40s were going to be about. I felt like I did most of the things that I set out to do (except as I mentioned the whole thing of “making a difference”). So what was realistically left? More school? I thought about that for a while.. but ultimately decided I was done with it for good. That was kinda a big deal since formal education had been such a huge part of my life up to that point. I mean.. nearly all of my time up to my early 20s… then half of my 30s.. had school as my only or main focus. Now it was over.. no more. So then what? Career? Hobbies? Ok.. what ones? I was already doing the music thing. Do I get more into my photography again? Do I find something new? What.. just WHAT am I going to make the main theme of my 40s?

I closed my eyes, took a step back, and my Mom’s voice in my head told me that everything was going to be ok…. I’d figure it out.

Because the truth was I didn’t have to have it all figured out. When I turned 30 I had no idea of the things I would do over the next 10 years. Yes.. I knew some things. My daughter was already born and I was already in grad school. But I didn’t know that before I turned 35 I would be running a successful photography business in addition to continuing to curate a successful engineering career. Nor did I know that when I was 36 I would fall into a world of opportunity with so many new music projects and people to play with. I didn’t know when I was 30 how much traveling I’d be doing both for work and with my family. I also had zero clue of what family adventures I had ahead of me being a parent and working with my wife to raise our daughter.

So… with that.. I relaxed about the whole thing.. I decided to just let life evolve naturally… And.. to put it bluntly.. my 40s have been pretty great. YES I have had more than a few bad things to deal with. I mean.. death is pretty big and bad… and that thing called the PaNdEmIc really fucked things up.. and other things.. but as a whole.. it has been pretty great. For sure I found some things to focus on in “My 40s”, and I have definitely done All The Things. I’m quite exhausted actually and look forward to when I get down time!

And here I am… still 40-something for a little while. Life is different. I am different. I am doing different things. I care about different things. I like different things. Well.. mostly. But above all I am still self-admittedly 12-going-on-40-something.

And that is ok.

As a bonus I’ve decided to compile a list of the things I like and do not like about being in my 40s.

Things I like about being 40-something

  • I know who I am and what I am about. I’ve been through hell and made it back more than once. I’ve been tested and know my limits. I also know how and the ways I can push myself past them.
  • My name means something. I’ve done enough and proved myself enough in various ways. I have a reputation that I’d like to think is at least mostly positive.
  • And with that I no longer feel the need to prove myself to anyone. The only person I need to continuously impress is myself. The only standard I need to satisfy is my own.
  • At this point in life I’ve managed to become financially secure enough that I just don’t worry about it anymore. Hard work, sacrifice, and doing enough of the right things have put me there. I no longer fantasize about having this-or-that.. if I want something.. like.. *really* want something.. I just go off and get it. This isn’t “privilege”. No one ever gave my family any damn thing.
  • I’ve become what I set out to become. I guess that means I am free to decide new things to do and become.
  • I have managed to curate a circle, or multiple circles, of friends who help bring out the best in me and keep my life interesting.
  • I have no drama.
  • With the exception of going into the office 5 days/week I do things because I WANT to do them.. not because I HAVE to.

Things I do not like about being 40-something

  • Society no longer considers me “Cool”. The only advertising directed to people my age is for life insurance, or some pill with a weird name.
  • I feel like the “Physical Best years” are behind me. What is ahead isn’t as great as what is behind, and I now have to actually worry about all those health things that I never really worried about before.
  • It’s no longer “about me” and what I am accomplishing. There are only a few life milestones/goals left on the list.. retire.. die. That’s it….
  • The realization that age isn’t really “just a number”. I used to say that a lot.. But my body doesn’t care about my positive attitude, it’s gonna be sore and fragile regardless. I will wake up and be in pain for NO reason what so ever. I can pull a muscle just from sneezing.
  • The realization that I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years. Some just decided to see themselves off my train car. Others I had to push out the door. Many of the people I once considered “best friend” are either no longer in my life or so disconnected from me that they might as well just be a stranger. As much as I do have really great people in my circles I do regret that I don’t have a high concentration of people who were there when I did the thing that time..